PTSD: What to Do When Your Spouse has PTSD
Post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD is a difficult and often dangerous mental condition for patients and those around them, the immediate family, the children and especially the spouse. PTSD happens when someone comes back from a truly horrible, violent or near-death experience. Something in the brain snaps; gets rewired and the person with PTSD has no choice but to relive those traumatizing moments physically, mentally and emotionally.
When undiagnosed or untreated, what happens later is an endless stream of coping or adapting to the partner’s bouts of depression and feelings of weakness or uselessness by continuously comforting the partner; of staying up late when the partner experiences horrible nightmares or night terrors related to the experience or even during the day; of being wary for sudden mood swings that sometimes become violent; and of juggling everyday activities like work and chores amidst the demands for attention.
PTSD is a mental condition that needs to be treated and it will simply not go away by hugs and kisses and promises that ‘everything is all right’. Here are some things that need to be done if you have a spouse with PTSD.
Seek professional help – Even though the prospect is hard to accept, your spouse needs professional help and later even you. As a mental condition, professional psychologists can help heal your partner’s troubled psyche and also prescribe the appropriate medication to ease the symptoms.
Set up a security plan – PTSD can be dangerous especially when your spouse experiences vivid waking nightmares or flashbacks. Your spouse can be dangerous to his/herself and everyone around him/her because your partner might be reliving an experience and might not be able to differentiate what’s real. Set up things like having a wireless phone anywhere in the house in case you need help, keep dangerous objects like knives and guns in places easily accessible only to you and practice a quick exit.
Michael Anthony is an Iraq War Veteran and is the Author of: Mass Casualties: A Young Medic’s True Story of Death, Destruction, and Dishonor in Iraq.
Check out some of our other posts on PTSD.
Main Updated Article: Best Ways to Treat PTSD for You or Your Spouse.
What To Do When Your Child Has PTSD.
What To Do When Your Spouse Has PTSD.
55 Comments
My husband has PTSD… I know this is normal because of the horrors of war and conflict that they have to go through (I mean who wouldn’t be stressed out!) but do you have any ways that I can further help my husband that doesn’t involve seeing a shrink?
Lisa,
I’d say the biggest thing that helps is to talk to other people/Vets with PTSD. If your husband was in the military and has PTSD, it will probably help him to talk to other vets with PTSD. In fact, it’s probably more helpful for him to talk to these vets then it is for him to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist.
My husband has PTSD since his first trip to IRAQ in ’05. He finally starting dealing with it in ’08 and was doing great but ever since he returned from this last tour in November ’10 his rage has gotten worse. We’ve PCS’d, his last unit was brutal on his self esteem, his new unit has very high demands of him, we bought our first home, and are unexpectedly awaiting a 3rd child. I know that this many changes can induce a reset of PTSD but he thinks its me. That everything I do is wrong and he never stops yelling at me. I’m at a point that I have to leave but how do I get help for all of us so I’m not scared for our boys?
Brandi, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through when it should be a joyous time. There’s a Facebook page that has some pretty good conversations about handling family problems: Military with PTSD.
http://www.facebook.com/MilitarywithPTSD?ref=ts
Hidden Wounds may also point you in the right direction. They’re easy to find on the web.
Prayers going your way.
Jan
Hello!! My husband has PTSD since 2007. I am trying to deal with this, but it’s very hard.
He gets angry very easy for small things, and even hit me few times. Please help me, give me an advice i love my husband a lot he is a great person, but PTSD changed him a lot.
Expect an email, and maybe I can help with something.
Please somebody help me too!!! I am desperate! My husband has PTSD as well and things have just gotte. So bad lately. I suggested we go to counseling and he asked how I was going to pay for it ( I’m a stay at home mom and don’t have an income) and when I said we’ll I’m sure the military can provide some bc of your PTSD… I didn’t say it in a mean way at all! I said it casually and he stated yelling at me to get out !! And told me never to speak to him like that again.. We have a baby and I’m scared for us.. Please someone contact me I don’t know what to do
My husband has PTSD. We’ve been together for over 6 years, and he is in denial of any bad feelings associated with his tours to Iraq until we get in a fight, and then it all spirals down from there. He has never hurt me, but he has pushed me, and tonight, while he was having an episode, he held me against a wall by my throat. I am so lost. He let go of me and started crying, and said he needed help. I just don’t know what to do or how to feel. Anything will help.
I just sent you an email.
My husband came back from Iraq almost 2 years ago. We got married last year and things were going great. All of a sudden last week it was like he had multiple personalities. One day he tells me that he loves me and I am his world and the next he says he doesnt have feelings for me. I havent seen him for a week and he hasnt talked to anyone including his family. I am at a loss and dont know how to handle this. He does talk to my sisters husband who is also in the army and says that he doesnt want to lose me but he doesnt know any other way to deal with this. He has never hurt me but I do know that he suffers with PTSD. Please help me and give me advice on how to deal with this.
I just sent an email your way.
I recently started dating a vet who has been to Iraq multiple times, he is really nice and a great guy and as I get to know him I like him more and more. Well things are starting to get a little serious and I found out he has PTSD and it kind of freaks me out because I have a daughter and I don’t think he would ever hurt me but is it possible when he’s having flash backs he could really harm us?
Sammy, just because a vet has, or has had, PTSD doesn’t always mean that they’re necessarily a ticking time bomb. There are varying degrees. On one end of the scale there’s the person who is just a bit more closed off than they used to be, and on the other end is the person who does something harmful to themselves or someone else.
PTSD is a common thing for people with intense jobs like the military. It’s mainly talked about for Veterans, but firefighters get it, police officers, correction officers, EMT workers, ER doctors, etc.
The thoughts and images of the war will always be there, so a soldier may always have that thousand yard scare, but counseling can help with how a person deals with the images, etc. Treated properly and PTSD can be eradicated, and going through the process can often be a great life changing event. The main thing is to know if your boyfriend is getting help for his PTSD.
And there’s one more thing to remember; millions of vets are, and have, come home from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It’s been estimated that roughly 18-25% come home with PTSD. That equals hundreds of thousands of soldiers with PTSD. Out of those hundreds of thousands, only a small amount are going to be on the side of the scale where they pose a serious danger to themselves or someone else—the reason it often seems like there’s a higher number of those people is because those stories are the ones that always make it into the news.
So, no need to treat him like a leper, chances are he’ll be fine. But again, the main thing is to just make sure that he’s getting help.
Also, how did you find out that he had PTSD, did he tell you or did an episode occur? That’s significant.
Shoot me an email if I can help with anything else.
Thanks for the article. I think I may be at my wits end. My husband spent 8 years in the Army Special Forces and has been diagnosed with PTSD since 2004.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. He won’t Talk to anyone about anything and his temper just keeps gettin worse. Don’t get me wrong my husband is an amazing person and I truly love him to death. I am just really worried about him. He isn’t directly violent and has never laid a finger on me. I think he just can’t figure out how to cope with all of his emotions. Tonight he got so angry over something very trivial and put his hand through our kitchen wall. Please, any advice you could give me would be great!
You haven’t mentioned whether you’ve talked with your husband about this; it might be a good idea to talk with your husband about what’s been going on, but first…
The VA is a great resource, and a VA representative might be a good person to talk to before you talk with your husband, or talk to with your husband, or after, etc. The VA has a lot of great counselors so it’s definitely an option.
Also, there’s a good program here: http://www.homecoming4veterans.org/ It’s free for veterans and there’s been a lot of good talk about it, and the Army is putting a lot of money into research for neurofeedback.
There was also a recent article in the Washington Post about how Transcendental Meditation has helped veterans with PTSD: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/federal-eye/post/summit-examines-use-of-transcendental-meditation-to-help-vets-with-ptsd/2012/05/03/gIQAd4AJyT_blog.html
Even something as simple as yoga has been shown to help–and the great thing about yoga is that it’s physical so it won’t feel like going to therapy, etc.
Shoot me a personal email on the contact form and we can talk further if you want.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that there ARE options and there ARE opportunities to help.
A new blog posted has just been posted which may be helpful: http://masscasualties.com/2012/08/best-ways-to-treat-ptsd-for-you-or-your-spouse/
I recently got married. My husband has PTSD and was properly diagnosed just recently. He is also going through the medical retirement process for a back injury and his PTSD. He had a couple therapy appointments but said they didn’t really help. Lately he has been flying off the handle more and he has never hit me but has gotten in my face. He seems to fixate on just a couple thing that anger him and does not let up. We are stuck in limbo waiting to get out of the army. He keeps saying he will be better when we can move back to his home town when he is out of the army when he is back around “his kind of people”. My hope is he is right he will get better but what do I do in the mean time to help him heal?
Thank you for your time
Liz
I just posted a new blog post about this which I think will be helpful.
http://masscasualties.com/2012/08/best-ways-to-treat-ptsd-for-you-or-your-spouse/
My husband has ptsd. he is retired after 20 yrs. He worked as a civilian for 6 yrs in Iraq and Afganistan. He has changed. We had a very bad incident my husband tried to kill me. He thought i was trying to kill him. He didnt recodnize me. If it wasnt for my daughter coming in the room and hitting him on the head . I would not be here. He got arrested but the charges were dropped because of the PTSD He is going to the VA for counseling. They think it was medecine that brought it out. They have him taking so much. He is on the list to go to Biloxi. In the mean time Im so scared He said he will never do that again it was the medecine. He is starting to open up to me Which is good But I’m more scared I dont tell him because then he will not open up to me. He said he has hullucinations and and out of body experience he sees his buddys in the woods. hears voices in the woods. I’m so scared for me and my children. I’m wondering if it was the medecine. Which they stopped he has been acting fine now. Im scared could it happen again anyway.
Pleas any advise would help Thank you
Maureeen,
It’s good that he’s seeking counseling at the VA and they’ve taken him off medication that seemed harmful. I’ve talked to a bunch of vets who were put on medication and they felt like it just made them worse, and/or more depressed, too. But some medications can help, I guess it’s all about finding the right one and right dosage.
As well as having a plan to help him, it’s also important to have a plan for getting out of the house if anything like this happens again; maybe keep a small bag with extra toothbrushes for you and your daughter, and a change of clothes, in your car or something, and have a relative or friend that you can stay with for a few days or a week, etc.
The Neurofeedback program that I mentioned in this article: http://masscasualties.com/2012/08/best-ways-to-treat-ptsd-for-you-or-your-spouse/
has shown to be really helpful as well as a lot of the other programs mentioned. Counseling is good, but to really nip something like this in the butt, it might be best to combine several different methodologies. Some VA’s also have groups for the spouses of service members going through PTSD and that can be a really helpful group as well.
My husband is not diagnosed with PTSD, but I know he has it. He is having major anger problems and last night he was drinking and started screaming in my face. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through. I want to help him but I don’t know how because I think he will be mad if I seek a pro without consulting him….if I ask him to see a pro I think he will still be mad and also say no. I’m a newlywed and young. I’m scared, but I love him and I know he loves me. What should I do? I live so far away from home and I only have 2 friends here I can count on.
Kayla,
One of the hardest things to do can be to get a vet suffering from PTSD to seek help. You can either wait until he’s in a better mood one day and then mention it to him–but often in those scenarios in can be like, “I’m feeling great, why would I need help” and they’ll just brush past what happened in the past–but a real option might be taking a trip to the VA yourself and just not telling him and see what they have to say. They have groups there for the spouses of service personnel going through PTSD so that might be a great place to start.
And often getting someone to go to a therapy/counseling session can be the hardest, but there are programs that have been shown to help with PTSD that aren’t therapy/counseling programs (though the best option is always a combination). I just posted a new updated article about something which might be more helpful: http://masscasualties.com/2012/08/best-ways-to-treat-ptsd-for-you-or-your-spouse/
Hello my partner has been a service man for 16 years. He’s recently been out and has had help for it. We’ve been together a year and its fantastic until last week we had a row and now he is ignoring me and quit his job. We live together but I’ve gone to stay with my parents for a few days because he tried to strangled me when I asked him to talk to me. I really need some help please.
My husband got out of the military about a year ago. He has PTSD. He has totally pushed me away. We’ve been happily married for almost 6 years but this past year has been bad. He kicked me out of our house and is telling me he wants a divorce. I stopped calling him and finally after a few weeks he started calling me. He says he feels nothing like he’s dead inside. I see how bad he hurts and I try to love and encourage him daily. I am trying to get him to let me move back in and let me be there for him as he gets on the road to recovery. But it’d like trying to knock down a brick wall. We are seeking help together and separately. He won’t take his meds anymore. I’m at a lost of what to say to him to encourage him to pull in close and let me help him help himself. I’m not trying to be pushy or needy but I want and need to go home. Please give me advice into helping him. What can I say or do to make him pull me close and let me be there for him?
Can Please somebody help me too!!! I am desperate! My husband has PTSD as well and things have just gotte. So bad lately. I suggested we go to counseling and he asked how I was going to pay for it ( I’m a stay at home mom and don’t have an income) and when I said we’ll I’m sure the military can provide some bc of your PTSD… I didn’t say it in a mean way at all! I said it casually and he stated yelling at me to get out !! And told me never to speak to him like that again.. We have a baby and I’m scared for us.. Please someone contact me I don’t know what to do
I think my husband has this everything that i have read adds up with the things that are going on with him and that has happened. I have talked to him about seeking help and he just gets mad. Please help me its getting bad for me and my children hes so angry all the time.
I’ve been with my girl friend for a couple months now and ive known she served in the army but thats the most she’ll really tell me a few weeks ago her PTSD was reactivated when she found out one of the men she served with passed away before he was sent to Afganistan he gave my girlfriend his wifes wedding ring and asked her to return it to his wife and recently found the ring and cale his wife and found out for about 3 months he had been gone she started off having night terrors and when i would have to move my self away from her at night she would just jump up and sit there for about 10 min. and fall back asleep but last night (new years) the fireworks triggered her for about half an hour we were around friends when it started taking its toll for the first 15 min. she just grabbed me and held me then proceded to jump up and run out side one of my friends started just going along with it and got her back inside and after we got her inside it was probably 5 min. before she started to comeback and was constently checking me to see if she hurt me and then told me what she remembered and all she could think of was saving the man she served with who had passed away this is the longest episode shes ever had she i currently seeing a theapist twice a week but still has the wedding ring is there any thing i can do if this occurs again or any thing i can encourage her to do before it gets worse? thank you so much
Hi! I badly need help too! My husband got out of the military last sept. He havent been deployed but yet he’s showing symptoms of PTSD. He cannot control his anger. He verbally abused me all the time. He refused medications and doctors help too! What should I do? he also bought two guns. Pls help me! thanks!
I’m recently married a wonderful man named Nick. We’ve only know each other for a little over a year. it started about two months into our relationship, where he would just explode in anger for the smallest things. He does it about once a month now. Alcohol is always involved. Before we we’re married he told me he had been diagnosed with PTSD by army counselors and he was put on medication for anxiety, an antidepressant and seizure medication. He stopped taking all of his medications right before we meet. He says that he was diagnosed wrong and that there is nothing wrong with him and that its ask my fault. I suggested that we both go to see a professional either separately or together. He said ok but changed his mind the next day. I love him very much and I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know how to make this better. He discharged from the army almost three years ago after serving for six years. He was in Iraq for part of his term. He has never laid a hand on me but he does frighten me at times. Any help would be appreciated.
My Husband has been diagnosed with PTSD, and he has become very dangerous over the last year. He has come very close to hurting me, and so far he has been able to stop himself. This past weekend, he had another episode of rage, and this scared me very much. My teenage sons came in the room, right when he was about to attack me. I think if my sons had not walked in, I might be dead now. His face was so full of rage, he was screaming at me, and I could see in his eyes, he was out of control. He did leave, after my sons were able to convince him to just go. Now, two days later, he wants back in my home, and I didn’t let him in, and he got angry again screaming through the door. I am terrified, I can’t sleep at night, I feel like he is coming to kill me. Is there anything I can do about this, will the V.A. admit him into the psychiatric hospital and help him? I just want him to get help, I have thought of calling the police and getting a restraining order, but I am afraid that will only make things worse.
Thank you, Charlene
My husband and I married young, I was 19 and he 20. We were married in August 2001, this August coming up (2013) will make 12 years that we have been married and 13 years that we have been together. In March 2003 he left for BCT and after graduation we became pregnant with our first child. Our beautiful and healthy baby girl was born in February 2004 and four months later, in June, my husband left for Iraq.
He was an accomplished 91W, other wise known as a Combat Medic. He is highly intelligent, can retain and recall pretty much everything he has ever learned, and has what I can only explain as “Almost” Photographic Memory; meaning, that he can thumb through pages or chapters (barely skimming over the paragraphs) and then tell you anything you want to know about what he “read” nearly word for word.
It was not until after my husbands tour was over that I was finally able to know where he was located in Iraq (for security purposes), he was stationed and located in Romny (or something along those lines, it’s been a long time). It was referred to, at the time, by TIME MAGAZINE as one of the top three deadliest places on Earth. Once in Iraq he was immediately introduced to an overwhelming amount of chaos, traumatic scenes, and unbearable experiences. Some of this includes, but not limited to: almost daily Mass Cals, suicide of a fellow soldier (in which my husband was standing right behind the young man that took his own life via gun shot to the mouth). My husband was in a humvee that was blown over on it’s side due to running over an IED in the road, and amongst countless other encounters, my husband was in a watch tower at a check point when it was hit by a vehicle driven by a suicide bomber that attempted to drive through the check point, however when the vehicle refused to stop it was fired upon and wrecked into the watch tower.
The last major incident that he allowed me to be aware of took place during my husbands two week R&R. When he received his orders for R&R, another young soldier (21 or 22 I think) got his. The young soldier told my husband that since he myself and our daughter back home, the he should come home first while the young soldier took on his duties. So, that’s what happened, my husband came home and spent two amazing weeks with us, we later found out that while he was home we had created our son. When my husband returned to his duty station he was immediately informed that the young soldier had been killed…. That young man, died doing my husbands duties. Our youngest son is named after that soldier, the highest honor we could bestow.
When my husband took his HONORABLE DISCHARGE from the Army, he seemed fine at home. I mean I noticed a couple of small things, but I thought it was normal after something like that. I mean he didn’t show any signs of the major things they said to watch for, nightmares, mood swings, flashbacks, ect… In fact, he never had any nightmares that I know about, he’s never had any that have woken him up or that he told me about. He never talked about his experiences overseas after he returned and I didn’t want to push him. The small things that I never really gave much thought to were things like, his lack of emotion-how he could just turn himself off it seemed like. He seemed to be so much colder after his return-again thought that was normal and would get better. He had a complete lack of care for any consequence that might have come up between us when it came to how he didn’t want anything to do with any of my side of the families get togethers. He was a harsher person that didn’t care if what he said or did upset me, or anyone else for that matter.
It’s been eight years since his tour and for the most part I thought everything had been fine. He brought it up to me the other day that I thought that he may need to speak to someone. I want to encourage him without pushing him. What I really want to know is with everything that I wrote, are any of the”signs” actual symptoms or is it in my head? If they are, how can I help him?
My husband has been diagnosed with ptsd. He has been out of the military for 4 years now and since his been home our marraige has been on the rocks. I have supported him since day one but I am finding that he is not going to his appointments. I dont know what to do at this point. We have two beautiful kids and our oldest is starting to pick us his ways. Im confused because he put up a huge fight to finally reiecve help that he was asking for and now that he has it he isnt going. I have talked to him after he had a angry moment letting him know the importants it is for him to continue his help. He has since missed two appointments. I guess with all of this babbling I dont want to feel like a mother to him and keep on him about it. I want to be his wife and support him but how can I do that if he chooses to continue not getting help?
Everyone should have gotten a personal email back by now. Hopefully we can fight this in 2013!
Good Afternoon,
My name is Ashley and I am currenly a United States Marine. My husband served in the Mairne Corps from 99-07 where he was an 0311 (grunt). When I first met him he had just gotten out of the Corps and was a police officer in a small town where I am from. Long story short, We dated for only couple months and then I left for bootcamp, we were happy as could be and then I went on my first deployment and it all went south… fast. We got married after i came back and I thought it would really help but its just gotten worse. In the beginning I never though he had any kind of problems until he would dry heave and throw up or he would constantly be going to the rest room for long periods of times. It wasnt until we dated for almost 2 years that he told me that he was struggling with sleeping alone, sleeping during storms, sleeping with lights or tv on, anxiety issues, and the list goes on. We seem to be fighting more than we get alone and I know this is normal, not all marriages and relationships are perfect but I really do feel like this PTSD has really took a toll on our relationship.
I will have to say that he was going to the VA in Cincinnati, Ohio but this past March he moved down to North Carolina to be with me and he hasnt been getting treated at all. I guess I am not only asking for some advice on how to help him deal with everything but also somehow find a way to make him see that he needs to get help again. Thank you.
Ashley
My husband was in the Marine Corps, and was diagnosed with severe ptsd. Since his second deployment ended a year ago, things have been bad. He has Eas’d and is now a civilian. His Ptsd is starting to run his and my life. I have been very understanding over the years, but things have been getting worse. I cannot get him to see a therapist for the life of me. I have been trying to help, and give him his space, but nothing has worked. He recently kicked me out of our house, and I have decided to give him the space he wants. We are still communicating, but he will not get the help that he needs. Any advice?
Hello,
My husband was diagnosed with PTSD in the Marine Corp, so as a result he was medically discharged. Shortly there after he reenlisted into the Army National Guard, had a injury was medically treated at which time he was again reassessed and diagnosed with PTSD plus his physical injury. He completed his contract and was medically discharged from the Army. We have been married since his medical discharge from the Army and have been living a very defensive and overprotective life (5 1/2 years). We started out nicely and then there would be days were we would argue for three days. Things would calm down we would have fabulous days and we have absolutely horrible days. Sometimes we go every other week and then arguments occurs. I have two children from a previous relationship and together we had one child equaling three children. I have become so protective of the children every time he communicates to them I worry that he will become aggressive or violent verbally or even physically. I think negatively of him often and I forget sometimes that he has PTSD and the way he reacts to me during ugly moments nothing makes sense and there is no emotion, no compassion or civility. He complains about everything, which leads to nothing is good enough mentality, he even says he is not good enough and then puts the blame on me for him feeling that way. He feels everyone is against him and puts him down especially if one suggests anything about anything. He has physically hurt me and I have fought back at times. He said he would never hurt me again, and encouraged us to work our problems out. I suggested professional help, he felt that therapists are a waste and that he has seen enough therapists, psychiatrists. We have however seen two different therapists one which could not take our insurance after that one appointment and then the other caused my husband to become so enraged he said he wanted a divorce, lied to the therapist and stormed out of the appointment. I have even on multiple occasions turned into a therapist for him, which I really become exhausted from and eventually resentful. Sometimes he blames me for his PTSD or that I am responsible for everything that has happened to him in his life. When he was growing up as a boy he was abused by his family physically, verbally and mentally. This last October he physically hurt again and in front of our youngest daughter and his friend. I could not take it anymore. I pressed charges to make it stop. He filed divorce, but then we reconciled and now are trying to work things out slowly. It has been very hard and I keep finding more compassion to keep this marriage alive. We agreed that if an argument would happen that he would leave. We have been laying down more boundaries and ground rules so not to hurt each other, but we still find hurtful things to say. I don’t want to fix him, I want to live. I want safety and security for my children and myself. He has the availability to go to the VA and get much help as he would like, but does not do it. I am reluctant to suggest this to him. I am exhausted from this roller coaster of emotional trauma and I do not want to live like this anymore. I want to be married and be the real person that I am verse becoming someone else that I am not in this relationship.. When he is positive he is encouraging and loving, sweet, kind, compassionate and supportive. Why can’t he just be the sweet man verse the demon? How do we break these patterns and how can he get the help he needs? What do I do?
My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 months. He served in the Army several years before we met and the majority of that time was spent in Iraq. He has not been diagnosed with PTSD but I am worried that he has this. He suffers from severe anxiety and constantly worries about what could happen to us. He is insistent that we keep a loaded weapon in our home at all times, just in case someone was to break in. This does not bother me now because we do not have any children, but I do worry about the future. On several occasions since we have been together he has learned of friends, or soldiers that he served with being killed while in Iraq or Afghanistan. For weeks after he learns of this his anxiety is much worse. We do occasionally argue, as all couples do, when we argue I am always wrong, I have come to accept this, even if I know that I am correct. He has good days and bad days. When he is in a good mood things are great. If he is in a bad mood anything I do, whether I don’t get ready quick enough, or don’t put the dishes away the night before turns into an argument with him screaming and cursing at me. He is a wonderful man and I could not imagine my life without him. I just want to be able to help him and our relationship, and I’m not sure where to begin. I have to be very careful when I try to talk to him about how I feel. He generally just tells me that I am wrong, or stupid. He has never been physically abusive to me but the way that he talks to me is very disturbing. He has told me about his experience in Iraq, he was infantry. The things that he saw, experienced, and did would disturb anyone. How can I help my husband and our relationship?
Again, everyone else by now should have received a personal email.
After getting all your comments, and dozens of emails; I had updated this article. The update can be found here: http://masscasualties.com/2012/08/best-ways-to-treat-ptsd-for-you-or-your-spouse/
The number one thing to keep in mind, though, is that there ARE options and things CAN get better.
Again, here’s the updated article: http://masscasualties.com/2011/03/ptsd-what-to-do-when-your-spouse-has-ptsd/
Anything else, please continue to send me your personal emails, too; and I’ll get back to you all as soon as I can.
Hello, I’m new at all this. My bf has been diagnosed with ptsd and ever since we had our baby he’s been having mood swings. But tonight he hit me while my baby was in my arms. I was so scared for me but more for my baby. I don’t know what do if I leave him he’s all alone.
I started dating my husband after he returned from Iraq. Prior to dating, we were best friends for almost a year. We have now been married for over two years (after dating for 2 years) and almost three months ago he was diagnosed with PTSD and PTBI. I noticed that alcohol sometimes triggered his aggression, nightmares, and abnormal behaviors. I am a health care professional and feel part to blame that I did not pick up the cues sooner. Several drunken nights he had gotten aggressive with me, but never hit me until we moved to new city (with no family or friends), started new jobs, and both were in the process of finishing grad school. The first night he hit me we had gone out to a concert and came home to wait for my brother and his wife who were driving to the city to visit. What they walked into was a punched down bathroom door, blood from my husbands knuckles all over my clothes and walls, him passed out cold in the hallway, and me crying, shaking, and bruised physically and emotionally. You can imagine the outrage that my brother had for my husband; seeing his 25 year old sister assaulted by her own husband. My husband went to counseling after the first episode or attack and made broken promises about never getting drunk again… and then the second attack occurred. This time he was having a flashback , ranting about things only he could see and when I attempted to reassure him he became angry and began verbally abusing me and then the physical abuse came….pushed me into the corner, kicked me, hit me across the face.. etc. I locked myself in the bathroom and called his family…because I knew at this point he was sick and needed more help than counseling. His sister flew into town the next morning and my husband, in efforts to save our marriage, went to the ER to obtain help. He was officially diagnosed with PTSD and PTBI…he started medication and therapy and things have seemed to calm down. I am slowly seeing the man I fell in love with; however he came home intoxicated yesterday. He continuously lies about how much he drank etc. I don’t know what to do…my friends and family are supportive but fear for me, luckily we have no children…only a teacup yorkie. I love my husband, but he is not taking the situation regarding drinking seriously. I don’t understand what kind of man continues to drink after he has physically abused his wife? I am lost and feel like I am drowning in my own sadness. Any advice?
I am looking for help for my husband. He was medically discharged from the Navy 2 years ago with PTSD. He is not doing good at all but he’s not wanting to seek help or take his meds anymore. I am slowly watching him fade away and its killing me. He is an amazing man and husband but this is taking his life over. I can’t go on letting this hurt him. The VA
Is not doing much to help and getting an appointment is almost imposable . And all they want to do is drug him up. I don’t want him to be drugged up on pills all the time I just want him to get the help he need and put on the road to recovery. Please help me. Thank you Brittany
About 4 weeks ago just after our son was born, I noticed my husband having strange behaviors like not communicating, being agitated, not sleeping well, coming home late and ignoring our children. I asked if he was having problems with his PTSD and he answered no. The next day he confessed he didn’t know if he loved me anymore. The behaviors continued, he would come and go and almost a week later he confessed his PTSD was out of control, he had extreme anger issues and while he was out he found someone to talk to without having to address his issues and cheated. He admitted he needed help and didn’t want to lose me, that our family meant so much. He said he didn’t think I loved him anymore, that he didn’t deserve to live and that he was a failure.
For about two days my husband seemed sincere and apologetic, crying and saying he was sorry whenever he hugged and kissed me and the kids. But then it returned to he didn’t know if he loves me again and if we can get past what he did because he’s a bad person. He made an appointment at the VA but ended up walking out because he said the therapist was pushing him to talk about things he didn’t want to.
My husband hasn’t spoken to or seen his family in 4 wks, he doesn’t saying to me and absolutely nothing about how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking. I do continue to reassure him how much I love him and how much he means to me as well as letting him know I’m here for him when he’s ready to talk. But this is difficult, I feel like he’s a stranger and I’m lonely as well as stressed taking care of a 2 yr old and a 6 wk old on my own. I should also explain that my husband has also been under a lot of stress from work and financial troubles. Is there any guidance you can give me?
I am in desperate need for help! I have been with my husband for 8 years now. He was in the initial invasion in Iraq in 2003. He was diagnosed wit PTSD in 2009 finally after me begging him to go get help. After reading the above posts I am blessed that my husband has never hit me. He has thrown things (my laptop) at me and broke it, punched holes in the wall, etc.
Basically my house is a war zone and the entire family besides our son together has to walk on eggshells. He is miserable, so isolated, hates the world, etc. He is also very passive aggressive and that is hard to deal with. He is going to the VA now to get help but I don’t see it helping at all. I am just so tired of the constant fighting, his tone of voice when he is talking to myself, my daughter, and even his own mom. He is rude, condescending, swearing at us all the time. He calls me horrible names and has done so in front of the children especially the one word a man should never call a woman. He says he loves me but I don’t see how that can be so. We split up 3 years ago when he up and left me and the kids in TN and he went back to WA. a few weeks after I found a way to get back home where i had friends for a support system he told me he was sorry and it was the meds the VA put him on that made him act like that. He is back to acting that way now and their is no meds to blame. I am scared that my kids will grow up and feel that this is normal. I am not innocent in any way as I will stand up for myself and not let him talk to me that way. I am just fearful to leave as I don’t have any family support as I have no family, I have been isolated from all my friends, and I have no financial support as I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own income. If anyone has any suggestions on what I need to do I would be grateful. The VA in his session I got to go to suggestedn the 24 day in treatment program but unfortunately we can’t afford for him to be gone 24 days with no or only half pay we live paycheck to paycheck. Please help as I love my husband I just don’t know how much more I can take! I definitely would say I have secondary PTSD from him and I am starting to think my children especially my daughtr (his stepdaughter) does as well.
thank you Pearl
My husband has sucked the life force out of me. Nothing is EVER his fault, its always I’M the one who is being unreasonable or over-reacting. He always claims I “blame” him for everything, even if its just me asking him where the laundry soap is. He is getting help for his PTSD and at first it was going well but then his VA therapist told him our marriage was one of two people going in the same direction on different tracks. Then they put him on meds and switched them like four times and each time he got more and more distant. Today he told me, as we were arguing for the umpteenth time about stupid stuff, that HE was getting help, that HE was being guided by his therapist and being told what was right and wrong so my mere “opinions” (i.e. feelings) were not his fault and something I needed to deal with. He said his therapist gave him a poem called LETTING GO and when I read it I basically felt like it was a pass for him to not have to deal with all the emotional injury HE has caused! I truly feel that his therapist has created a wedge between us and that he has allowed that to happen, like for whatever reason I’m just this dumb person who even though I helped him through all kinds of personal issues and drama is now persona non grata in this quest to heal his PTSD issues. But when I try to talk to him about how insignificant and hurt I feel he says, “Whatever, stop the charade and dramatics”. It hurts so bad to hear that, I truly feel he just thinks so low of me. WHY?? When I talked about maybe leaving for a while he starts in about suicide, to the point where I feel he is using it to scare me into being this mousy quiet person. I read another post where someone said “As he gets better I get worse” and that is my case. His therapist tells him he has made significant improvement (what man are they talking to???) but I am ready to walk out the door. The only thing stopping me is our three kids. He is a total asshole now and I started smoking weed just to be able to deal with his meanness. The angry stare like he wants to rip out my throat for speaking, the cold flat anger in his voice when he gets mad, or worse the roars. Even worse is that there is no rhyme or reason to it, his “bad moods” are totally unpredictable. Yet he says he loves me. THIS is better??
HI, I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AS ALOT OF YOU.. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH PTSD, DEPRESSION AND HE IS SUICIDAL..FOR 5 MONTHS HE WAS IN THE PSYCH WARD AND THE STARR PROGRAM.. I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT EVERYDAY WENT TO SEE HIM, HIS PARENTS ONLY DID 2 TIMEX!! AND WHEN HE GOT RELEASED FROM THE STARR PROGRAM HE MOVED IN WITH ME. AT FIRST THINGS WERE GREAT AS USUAL, BUT HE STOPPED TAKING HIS MEDS AND HIS MOOD SWINGS BECAME UNBEARABLE… ALSO, HE SWALLOWED 3 BOTTLES OF PILLS AND I HAD TO PUT MY FINGER IN HIS THROAT AND MAKE HIM VOMIT.. IT GOT TO THE POINT OVER THIS 6 MONTH PERIOD TOO MUCH AND IM AT MY WITS END… FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS, HE WAS SAYING THAT I DESERVED BETTER, AND HE IS NO GOOD FOR ME… AND THINGS HAVE GOTTEN VIOLENT. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE PTSD, BUT YES, I DEFINATELY HIT BACK… SOMETIMES HIS COLDS HEARTED ATTITUDE AND LACK OF FEELING WOULD GET ME ENRAGED! LAST WEEK, HE RAN INTO A BUDDY OF HIS, AND IT HAPPENED TO BE NOT EVEN A DAY AFTER A BIG BLOWUP OF A FIGHT WHERE I CALLED THE POLICE… HIS FRIEND, WHO ALSO WAS IN STARR, GOT KICKED OUT FOR HEROIN 2X.. SOMEHOW CONVINCED HIM THAT HE HAS TO CUT ME OFF COMPLETELY… BY THE WAY, I AM 9 WEEKS PREGNANT TOO AND WE SIGNED A LEASE TOGETHER. HE WONT TALK, SPEAK, NOTHING… AFTER ALL THOSE MONTHS OF SACRIFICE THAT I DID AND NO ONE ELSE GAVE A DAMN… I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND THIS COLD HEARTED ATTITUDE IS KILLING ME… HOW CAN I HELP? OR WHAT DO I DO? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID FOR HIM TO SUDDENLY IGNORE ME LIKE I NEVER EXISTED.. OR WHAT HIS FRIEND SAID TO HIM… WHY WOULD THIS BE? AND WHAT DO I DO? HE ALWAYS REFUSED TO GET HIS APPOINTMENTS OR HIS MEDS… HE IS IN JAIL NOW FOR 30 DAYS.. HE HAD A BENCH WARRANT WHEN I CALLED THE POLICE AND NOW IS THERE FOR AT LEAST 30 DAYS.. IS THIS SOME TIME HE NEEDS AWAY WITH NO CONTACT? OR TO BE FORCED TO GET ON MEDS AND GET THERAPY? HE WAS GETTING THE ELECTRIC SHOCK TREATMENT AT THE VA HOSPITAL TOO. BEFORE WE WERE TOGETHER FOR THE PAST YEAR, HE WAS SO NICE, AND KIND… BUT HE WAS ON MEDS AND DOING COUNSELING TOO
My boyfriend has ptsd and depression. He was injured in combat in Iraq and has lifelong pain due to think also. He has been so wonderful and all has been going well. The other day he went to VA and failed a hearing test. He does have ringing in his ears. He became very upset by this and has shut me out completely. I did go to his house to make sure he was ok and tell him I love him. He said he felt like a burden to me. I felt I should leave him alone bc he wanted to “sleep it off” and did not want me to see him that way. We hugged and kissed and I left. It has now been 24 hours and I have not heard from him at all. This is very concerning to me. I wanna hope that he is sleeping and doing better, but I am so worried bc I haven’t even received a text. I don’t know what to do. I feel like showing up there again is not really respecting his feelings or need for alone time. Please give any advice you can as I am new to this. I love this man and want to support him as much as I can.
Ptsd sufferer as well as married to a veteran with Ptsd. I can tell you the reason he is probably shutting out stuff and not talking is because a major symptom of ptsd is using avoidance as a coping mechanism. You need to allow him to do that and leave it to a professional to change that behavior. By exerting your will you put yourself in line of possibly some extreme anger. Do not tolerate physical abuse. Even one time. Even if you feel that you caused it somehow. It is a line that you cannot un-cross except maybe with the help of a trained professional. My thoughts and prayers go out to you all and I hope things get better. Make sure that you and your partner get help. Don’t wait for it to be too late. I know there isn’t much I can say to make you decide to do something about your situations- but I truly beg that despite whatever fears you may have you pull through and handle it. Wander into the scary and unknown. You will come out on the other side. Be brave. Be strong.
My man went to afghanistan and came back an angrier person. Not really at me but definitly to his friends. He said he cant participate in small talk full of petty complaints when hes seen worse overseas. This i can see. But then he started having terrible nightmares and crying sessions, but no matter how tight i hold him it doesnt seem to help. He wasnt bad to me until recently when he threw me across our room and came at me like he wanted to hit me. he didnt but was ashamed to tears. How do i help my love?! Hes my soulmate and i cant stand seeing him this way?! he wont talk to anyone about it aside from me because he denies to having ptsd! but i dont know how to help him!
My friend has ptsd. He has been ok I guess but he just got into a bad accident that would give anyone ptsd, so my question is if a person with ptsd from combat gets in a bad wreck what happens in their head?
What can you do about the husband hitting, kicking, punching, and strangling you? He says he doesn’t mean it and its my fault cuz he has ptsd from deployment…..but I don’t know how much more my body n mind can take. From the mmoment he gets home from work he sleeps til I go to bed then stays up all night watching porn. And he is very violent toward me. But I don’t want to get him in trouble.
Dreaming about doing those things, not following through*** still frightening though
My husband and I will be married for one year this month. We corresponded with each other while he was in Iraq. When he returned home we met and everything seemed perfect. His kids and himself filled with a love of God brought peace to my life. Over this past year though things have changed he drove his daughter away and she returned back to her mother. Fear though he never touched her his quick temper and anger frightened her. Now it is just him and I he has been diagnosed with PTSD but is constant denial of it given medication that he does not take. He is currently med boarding out of the Army for this and depression and several other health issues after over 20 years Army and National Guard. To me it is like living on an emotional roller coaster I myself have been diagnosed with ptsd from years of DV and depression. No matter what I do it is not good enough and sometimes I am afraid to even say hello to him. Who is this person? That keeps me in another room away from him. That I use to be able to talk to for hours. So I do not have to hear what a dumb a– I am and why are you with me and threatening divorce he has cursed his kids his family and myself all those that love him. It is like a spirit of anger has stolen my husband and I am in constant prayer. He has been diagnosed with sleep Apia but the machine does not work and the sleeping pills caused him the throw his machine across the room. I do not know what to do when he is like this no matter what I say he becomes angry. I have been through so much in my past and now this yet show him no disrespect and he will admit to that. Intimacy seems to a be thing of the past and all I want back is the man I feel in love with. Am I no more than a game a pawn in his life he drops something and waits for me to pick it up it is like living with a child not a grown man. Help
Everyone who has comment should have recieved a personal email by now, let me know if you haven’t. I’m sorry if some of them take a while, but combined with comments on here, and emails received, it can often take more time than I like to get back to everyone.
Also, I’ve been getting dozens of emails from people, every week, regarding PTSD ever since I started this blog. I’ve gotten back a lot of emails about people who have used the tips here and have healed, and/or lessened, their PTSD symptoms significantly after trying some of the things mentioned in the PTSD articles on this sight, especially the one: “Best Ways to Treat PTSD for You or Your Spouse.” Well, anyways, I think it’s finally time to do a blog post about all the people who have found a way to turn their PTSD around. So if that’s you, or someone you know, please tell them to contact me through the contact form on this blog–please don’t comment, just send me the email. Thanks!